Most parents are very concerned about the effect of family separation on their children. Often parents feel guilty about placing their children in such a situation.
But research has some encouraging news for separated parents. There is a lower maladjustment rate for children of a healthy separation than for children of a conflict-filled relationship! So what is a 'Healthy Separation'?
Principles of a Healthy Separation
- Children get reassurance of their acceptance and being loved from both the 'residence parent' and the 'contact parent'.
- Parents don't have 'shots' at one another through the children.
- Parents work toward a positive acceptance of the separation (children will follow).
- Parents don't pressure the children to take sides.
Examples of Healthy Post Separation Behaviours for Both Parents
- Reassure children that they are not to blame for the separation.
- Explain to children the separation was because of both parents not being able to get on, not because of the other parent.
- When with your children, refrain from criticising the other parent and avoid making your children take sides.
- Don't interrogate children about what they do when they are with the other parent or what the other parent is doing.
- How the other parent relates to and parents the children is his/her responsibility, not yours.
- If parents are at loggerheads, go to an independent third party such as a counsellor or your Solicitor, not to friends or relatives (they're too close).
- Focus on what you can change, not on what you can't.
- Children can only feel loved and accepted if parents spend time with them doing things they enjoy. When with the children, focus on their positives.
- Children need discipline and security - don't let them run riot.
- Don't focus on the negatives of the other parent. There have been positive characteristics (that's why you got together in the first place) and there still are some. Focus on the benefits, not the problems, of the separation. Remember the best parts of the relationship and share them with the children.
- If there are Court proceedings/negotiations in progress, speak briefly, neutrally and factually about it to the children in a way which makes it the parents' problem not theirs - don't show them Affidavits, letters from Solicitors etc.
- Beware of the 'suicide emotions' - guilt and revenge. Try not to compete with, or overcompensate for, the other parent. Remember the best parts of the relationship and share them with the children.
Examples of Healthy Post Separation Behaviour for the 'Residence Parent' (The 'residence parent' is the parent who lives with the children the majority of the time).
- Don't argue with the other parent at 'changeover' times.
- It is normal for children to be upset or difficult to manage on return from the contact parent. It's not necessarily a reflection on that contact parent.
- Give children messages of encouragement about their contact visits:
- don't tell them it's a nuisance or a waste of time,
- pack all the necessary items they will need,
- speak positively about how you'll use the time while they are away,
- avoid being critical of the other parent before the children go on contact,
- don't interrogate them on their return,
- listen (without judging) to whatever they volunteer to you about their contact visit,
- avoid making arrangements that cut across pre-arranged contact periods,
- if you have an area of disagreement with the other parent about the visit, eg. washing not done, clothes left behind etc, talk about it to the other parent, not to the children.
- If you are now a single parent, beware of putting too much responsibility on the oldest child.
- Find someone else to confide in - not your children.
- Inform the other parent of special happenings since last visit eg. scored a goal at soccer, won a prize at school etc. and inform the other parent of forthcoming special events eg. open day at school, sports presentation etc.
- Be polite and positive.
Examples of Healthy Post Separation Behaviour for the 'Contact Parent' (The 'contact parent' is the parent who lives with the children the minority of the time).
- Don't argue with the other parent at 'changeover' times.
- Try to avoid sharing with the children any feelings of loneliness, resentment, anger etc. It's guilt giving.
- Contact with the children is very important to both you and them, so make it regular and be reliable - seeing children once a month is better than promising to see them fortnightly but not always appearing.
- Keep in touch also through phone, letters, email and cards, particularly observing special events such as birthdays, school exams etc.
- Beware of 'buying' the children - it's not fair to them or the other parent.
- Since the other parent is with the children more often, he/she will be more likely to experience behaviour problems - this is not necessarily a reflection on that parent.
- Children still need discipline when they're with you and lots of reassurance that they're still important to you. You can only do this if you spend time doing things they like with them and being more praising than critical.
- Give children messages of encouragement about living with the other parent: don't constantly ask the children if they'd prefer to live with you speak positively of your time away from them avoid being critical of the other parent's style of parenting don't interrogate children about what the other parent is up to listen (without judging) to whatever they volunteer about life with the other parent keep pre-arranged contact visits a high priority - avoid making other arrangements
- Find someone else to confide in - not your children.
- Keep an active interest in the children - go to parent/teacher days, sports days, leisure interests and activities etc.
Article by Peter Briggs, Clinical Psychologist and Gary John Ashworth, Family Lawyer.