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What is Validation and why do we need it?
Being a Life Coach I come in contact with clients who have specific problems. They may feel awful about their work, they may not trust their husband, they may be fearful of change in their life. But one issue that every single client that I have worked with has, and especially those going through separation and divorce is VALIDATION.
Let me first explain what I mean by validation. It is the honest acceptance of ideas as being right and good. Self Validation is honest acceptance of your own ideas as being right and good. Do you want to know if you are a Self Validator?
Answer theses questions for yourself
Do you doubt your ideas?
Do you often tell your ideas to others; with the intention of finding out if they think the ideas are right and good?
How often do you ask for permission from others, to act on your ideas?
Do you procrastinate a lot?
Do you get excited about your own ideas, and then when you tell someone else, you feel a little unnerved about their response?
If you answered:
Yes’s and a lot’s, are not Self Validators.
No’s and never’s, are Self Validators.
What are the benefits of Self Validation?
Self Validators do not hesitate, they do not procrastinate and they do not doubt themselves. They may ask for advice to gain a wider variety of information, but they do not ask others to validate their ideas, because that’s their job.
Self Validators are go-getters, they are action takers, and they’re goal setters and goal getters. To value your own ideas and your own feelings of what is right and good can only lead to living a life that is yours and yours to own, success or failure.
What are the disadvantages of not being a Self Validator?
If your require Validation from others, you are not always certain to get it. People have different opinions, different thoughts and ideas of what is right and what is good. If you rely on others to validate your ideas, then you may face disappointment very often, or you may choose to never have original and unique thoughts and ideas.
Those in a solid pattern of seeking validation from others are constantly conditioning themselves into being a follower. If you don’t want to be a follower, therefore you want to be a leader; you must break the cycle of seeking outside validation. It is the only way to feel freedom and independence and a form of self security.
Why are some people Self Validators and others are Outside Validation seekers?
Let’s have a look at how validation begins.
Age 0-3
“Good Boy”
“You are so wonderful”
“Such a pretty girl”
“Oooww you look so good I could eat you”
“Such a clever girl”
As babies we get so much validation, we learn to require it from others to feel good.
Age 4-12
From Mum and Dad – “I’m proud of you” when you do well.
From the teacher – big smiley faces on your work – something out of 10 – awards.
Once we hit primary school we learn, that we don’t get validated all the time, we only get it when we do what other people want.
Age 13-18
By this time validation is getting more and more scarce from our teachers and our parents, they often don’t approve of what we are choosing, and we don’t look as cute as we were when we were babies.
We begin to seek validation from our peer group. If we talk, dress, eat, walk & think, etc… the same, then we are ‘in’ and validated. If we are different we are ‘out’ and not validated.
Age 19- to true independence.
Here it gets a bit tricky. We have choices about who validates us. Some choose ‘fashion and lifestyle’ trends, some choose a friendship group, some choose their parents, some choose a boyfriend/girlfriend or a new husband/wife, and the lucky ones choose themselves. Choosing anyone or anything other than yourself, just prolongs the process of seeking outside validation. Up until now, from the outside is the only way we are shown how to get it, we have learned how nice it feels and we seek it quite naturally. Those of us (I suspect very very few) who do choose at this point to Self Validate, have begun their independent journey in life.
Some people spend their whole lives seeking outside validation, some break into their own stride early and some quite late. There must be a good reason to break free and find your own focus. It is called satisfaction, recognition, independence, self love, self acceptance, determination, goal setting and goal getting.
What is it that you need to do to become a Self Validator?
Well let’s think back to that 19+ year old, out in the world. Has a job, buys a car, has bills to pay, wants to go on holidays, and does, makes choices about study and work balance. How is it that this person can become a Self Validator and other may not?
Self Validation arrives when deep down in your gut, you absolutely undeniably feel, that this life that you have been granted, is yours. The successes are yours and the failures are yours. The pleasure and the pain too. There is no more safety net, no more hand holding, that was childhood and now this is adulthood. My results are my responsibility, there is no more relying on others to provide it for me. No more wishing, no more hoping, from now on it is all about believing and trusting in myself, that I can do the best job that I am able to do. This is my chance to make an impact. This is the beginning of my life.
If you felt a little uneasy reading that paragraph, do not fear, you are not the only one. If you know that you have never taken that emotional step into adulthood and you believe it is time to do it; then see what you can manage on your own and if that doesn’t seem to work, call us, we’ll help you take that leap into becoming an adult, emotionally.
Often I say to clients, “Do you think it’s time now to, emotionally grow up” and it is like a light bulb jumps out of their heads, and they realise that even though they look like an adult, they talk like an adult and they are treated like an adult, inside they still feel like a little child. It is at that point that the real Life Coaching can begin, that is when I can teach them how results are formed, and how they can set their sights on something they want. And achieve it. It is from this time onwards that real results are achieved.
Think about, what you think about. Do you dismiss your ideas, because of this validation issue? Please do not waste yourself; you are only gifted with one life. The one that you are in the middle of right now. Life Coaching is not expensive when you consider the results that you will be able to achieve, when you allow your unique and valuable ideas to be expressed. You will only ever express those ideas if you feel they are valid, because they came from you. You are special! I am telling you, you are special! I know you are! I believe in you, more than you dismiss you. Take that step, make the call, visit the website, check out the fees, make an appointment, you won’t be disappointed.
Written by Joanna Goldman, Life Coach of One Step Training and Life Coaching in Victoria.
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