|
Hang In Their Fellas
Okay, it's happened. You're separated. Whatever the reasons, whatever the circumstances. So, what now? What needs to happen? There seems so much to do, so many decisions and choices to make, and chances are (especially if you did not initiate the separation) you're not really feeling up to making choices. Not surprising.
One way to begin is to keep things simple. A tool often used by counsellors to think about people's needs was developed by psychologist Abraham Maslow during the 1970's. Maslow's theory was pretty straightforward. He thought our needs form a hierarchy, and that our more basic needs (those lower in the hierarchy) must be met before we could start to think about and meet more complex needs. As the circumstances of your life changed, so too do your needs, up and down the hierarchy. It's a useful tool to organize your thinking at this time.
At the bottom of the hierarchy are our most basic needs - food, water, air, shelter, sleep. Assuming there's no immediate shortage of oxygen happening for you, have a think about where you're going to stay, how you're going to feed yourself, etc. Maybe a friend or a family member can help you out short term with a roof over your head, but you'll need to make some medium term plans as well - most people go for a rental property sooner or later. Because you need money to get food and the basics, you'll need to organise something at work - perhaps some sick leave, or some holiday pay. Whatever you decide, I recommend letting the boss know what's happening - they're more likely to be supportive. If sleeping is a problem, talk to your GP (see more about sleep in my thoughts about grief elsewhere on the site).
Next on the hierarchy is safety. Safety when separating is often about gaining a sense of security and consistency in the day to day. You need to maintain a routine - something you're familiar with. Endeavour to not make too many changes to your daily routines. You're in a huge period of change, so keep what you can the same. It's also about the future, and knowing that you're not setting yourself up for more problems down the track. You need to get some legal advice, if for no other reason than to find out what your rights and responsibilities are under the law. You need to make some interim decisions, and maybe a contingency plan or two.
If you have children, work out some arrangements so they can get to see you. Make sure you talk to them about what is happening in a way that DOES NOT MAKE THEM RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ASPECT OF THE SEPARATION. I recommend you do this together with your ex- so that they know you are both concerned about what is happening and that you are both going to be there for them. If you're unsure about how to go about this effectively, drop me an email or a telephone call and I'll give you some more suggestions. Or call a local counsellor with separation and divorce experience for advice.
Maslow called the next layer of needs 'love needs'. I like to think of them as social needs. You need to have contact with other people. Let your friends and family know what is happening. Accept their support. Make some time to catch up with people and do some things that help to distract you from the separation. Maybe some sporting activities, maybe just a friendly meal or an outing to the movies. Most importantly, actively stay in touch with people. We need each other, especially in the hard times.
Next come the esteem needs. Usually the person being separated from is not feeling very good about themselves. You might feel rejected, you might have been openly accused of all sorts of failures and inadequacies, you might feel foolish for not having realized problems sooner. I cannot stress the importance of having someone in your life at this time who can help you to keep your 'self' in perspective. Friends can be helpful in bolstering your belief in yourself and your abilities. Counselling can be incredibly helpful in helping you understand what has happened without blaming yourself or others, and for keeping your chin up in the face of some overwhelming feelings.
Now fellas, I know you don't like the idea of counselling. But, my experience tells me that it will help you to move through the process of separation with less stress, uncertainty, pain and frustration. Unfortunately, relationship breakdown and it's associated feelings is a journey which often has no clear destination, if one exists at all. It's important to remember that counselling will not make the pain go away - many men come to counselling expecting to feel good again as a result. Counselling is like a comfy cushion on a hard seat on the separation bus - it doesn't make the bumps go away, they just hurt a little less when you ride over them.
The final layer of needs Maslow called 'self-actualisation', which is the need to understand ourselves and to maximize our potential as human beings. These kinds of needs tend to be longer term in the scheme of separation, but are worthy of consideration. Relationship breakdown itself is a process which can generate incredible growth - for better or for worse - in a person. Being prohibited from a life objective can cause people to battle long and hard to get what they want. Sometimes as a result of separation, people can be thwarted from achieving the things they wanted to achieve. How they hang in there as these things happen will have a lot to do with what they learn about themselves along the journey. Again, counselling can be very helpful to gain an understanding of what it is you want from life, and how you might be able to go about getting it.
Hang in there. You're not alone.
©Andrew Hacker / The Men's Work Shop (used with permission) |