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How to find the courage to try again?
Once you have fallen off a horse, all instructors will tell you it is essential if you wish to continue riding that you get back on the horse again. The same is true for marriage. If you have experienced a divorce, one of the most important aspects of navigating the trauma are to learn how to love again. But this is tricky, and needs to be considered wisely.
What are the issues you need to consider before getting back into the game?
There are three issues you need to consider.
First, you must come to some mental and emotional peace regarding the ending of your marriage. If you have not learnt the whys and the issues that ended your marriage, you will probably repeat the same mistakes again. Einstein said insanity is doing the same time over and over again and expecting different results.
It is imperative that you learn from the ending of your past marriage. Without an understanding of the issues involved, you will merely get caught up in the swirling tide pools and most likely drown again. Marriages end for many reasons, and both parties are always responsible for their part in the ending of a marriage. To believe you are totally a victim of the divorce, and that your partner is totally to blame, is to destine yourself to repeat the same mistakes. Victims cannot learn from their mistakes, they can merely blame others for the hurts they experience. The healing from divorce takes time. No one ends a marriage without wounds and scares that need healing. There are emotional issues that must be comprehended. Without an understanding of these issues, you cannot learn from the past, and this places you in a dangerous position if you want to retry the experience.
Secondly, it is important that you learn how to forgive yourself and your partner for the reasons your marriage terminated. Hating your partner will infect your personal soul and spirit, and will bleed out into all new relationships. Until healing occurs, your merely going to tear apart any new opportunities you might have. So it is vital that you learn how to forgive and how to let go of the pain and discomfort all divorces bring to both parties.
Remember that the party that leaves has the guilt to deal with, while the party left, has the anger to complete. Both emotions need to be healed before a successful remarriage can occur.
Thirdly, it is vital that you change your view of the divorce from failure to growth experience. If your marry was a failure, you will not be in a positive position to try again with a fresh clean start. If however, your divorce was a growth experience for both of you, then a retry will be far more likely to succeed. Changing your attitude towards your divorce is like viewing the experience as an opportunity rather than a disaster.
When a cup of water has water up to the half way mark you can view the cup as either half empty or half full. Both are true. If you see the cup as half empty, you will see your opportunities in limited prospective. If however, you see the cup as half full, your attitude gives you a happier disposition. Truth is both statements about the cup of water are true. It is just that one view is positive, the other negative. Negative view points makes for a more difficult experience in life, while the positive position gives you a better chance at success.
So before you decide to get back into the dating game and a possible remarriage, remember to process the past experience, learn from the errors, and forgive yourself and your partner. Also, learn how to change your views about the experience so that the past is a growth experience rather than a disaster that someone else did to you. Victims do not make attractive possibilities, while strength and a sense of humor can make you far more attractive to another who would also like to try again.
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CREDIT:Stephen Martin is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with offices in San Francisco, USA and Sydney, Australia. He has 25 years experience as a marriage counsellor. He is past president of CAMFT, the largest association of marriage and family therapists in the world. He writes weekly columns in the USA about marriage and family issues, and holds seminars around the world for individuals and couples facing difficulties in their marriage. |