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Bronwyn Marquardt writes about McCartney Divorce
Divorce like a celebrity …
He changed the locks on their home, while she got started on draining the joint account. He got snaky when she used some of his things, and she’s claiming he’s tight with money and boring.
Hands up anyone who didn’t see it coming?
They may be considered pop royalty, but when it comes to divorce Sir Paul McCartney and his estranged wife Heather Mills are just like everyone else.
Sure, when the end came they promised the split was amicable and they would remain great friends. He even defended her when critics claimed she only ever married him for the money.
But when it comes to divorce, there is a fine line between love and hate, and it appears the McCartneys have crossed the line. As so many other separating couples find, it’s not easy to stay friends when you’re dividing property, dealing with lawyers, and working out what’s best for the kids and the pets – let alone picking up the pieces of your shattered heart.
As the stakes rise in this year’s most public divorce, the chances are that the 52,000 or so Australian couples who are ending their marriages are watching the fallout with interest.
In Australia alone, close to one in two marriages fail. The number is even higher in second and subsequent marriages, and that’s not counting the couples who have chosen a serious, live-in relationship rather than an official one.
That means that there are millions of Australians nursing or recovering from broken hearts and shattered dreams.
And, as Paul and Heather McCartney, among a string of celebrities can attest, the rich and famous are not immune to the pain.
Halle Berry was so depressed after her 1997 divorce from cheating hubby Eric Benet she was on the brink of suicide. Nicole Kidman lived in her pyjamas and suffered panic attacks for months following her split from ex-husband Tom Cruise. Jennifer Anniston smoked too much, lost weight and collapsed on a movie set as photos of former hubby Brad Pitt playing happily families with Angelina Jolie hit the newsstands.
And now we hear stories of Paul McCartney sending nasty legal letters after Heather pinched some of his cleaning fluid without permission; while she’s accusing him of abandoning her, even refusing the use of his helicopter to attend doctors; appointments.
What can we learn from all this?
Even the world’s richest, most beautiful people find divorce and separation tough. Our situations may be different, but deep down we all feel like crap when we’re losing the one we love.
So it’s not just us, it’s everyone – and at least, our private moments aren’t going to make the headlines!
Celebrity tips
The good thing about celebrity break-ups is that we get to learn from their triumphs and mistakes.
Expect bad behaviour
Like the McCartneys you probably intend to stay friends. But the reality is that there will be at least a few times when you don’t like each other very much. Reassure yourself that’s normal. In fact, bracing yourself for unpleasantness makes it easier to deal with, and removes some of the pressure to have the ‘perfect’ split.
You don’t have to end up hating each other – although many do – but if you want to stay friends, it’s usually best to go back to being polite strangers first. As times goes on, you’ll have to negotiate a new kind of relationship, where you are ex-partners, not soulmates.
Live for the future
Many divorcees get so caught up in bitterness and anger, they forget about living. It’s okay to feel disappointed, angry and ripped off, but eventually you need to let go and start putting that energy into the life you want. Dwelling on bitterness and blame will only delay your chances of future happiness. Okay, so being divorced wasn’t what you dreamed of – but you can take charge by making the rest of the life as good as it possibly can be.
Nicole Kidman watched her career and credibility soar following her split, when she conducted herself with dignity, refused to kiss and tell, and threw herself into her family and her career.
Cry a little
It’s okay to feel sad, devastated and angry; in fact it’s normal. Allow yourself to grieve, because as Nicole Kidman once said, divorce is like a death and it needs to be faced. Often the newly-single feel obliged to put on a stiff upper lip in front of their partner and others, or to pretend they’re getting over the split quickly. Take all the time you need – expect to need about 18-months to two years before you start to feel really comfortable you’re your new life and ready for another serious relationship.
Know what you’re fighting for
Are three half-bottles of cleaning fluid (which Heather used without Paul’s permission) really worth a legal stoush? Yes, sometimes the principle counts, but so does your dignity. No one wants to end up destitute, but you can drive yourself crazy trying to get the compensation you feel you deserve. Nothing in life is free, and getting rid of a nasty Ex is priceless. Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses and think: ‘That was an expensive lesson, but I won’t make it again.”
The kids always get hurt
As her Mum and Dad argue about cleaning fluid and homes, two-year-old Beatrice McCartney is the one who will have to live with the fall-out. Even the most amicable divorces – and they do exist – hurt the kids, who don’t understand why Mum and Dad can’t live together, let alone why they are so nasty to each other. Kids, who typically blame themselves, also are ill-equipped to deal with the loss and grief a relationship split causes, and the way their parents handle this will affect the rest of their lives. Sadly, Beatrice is likely to be fully briefed on every dirty secret her Mum and Dad shares by the time she can talk – which is way more information than any two-year-old should have to deal with.
You can make your split easier on your kids by being as honest with them as possible, reassuring them they are still safe and loved, and by not putting down their other parent – or conducting screaming matches – in front of them.
Forget about gossip
When it comes to nasty gossip, act like a celebrity and ignore it. It hurts when people say spiteful things about you – particularly if they’re wrong – but the ones who are worth it aren’t going to listen. They’re the ones who are worth your friendship, and anyone else’s opinion doesn’t matter.
It’s not all bad
No matter what, there was some reason you were attracted to each other in the first place. Don’t write off your entire relationship as a loss. Heather and Paul have a gorgeous little girl out of their union – and that alone means they were together for a reason. Kim Basinger says: “I always love that childlike line that God makes lemonade out of lemons, and I got (daughter) Ireland out of mine.
Your life is not over
One day, you will suddenly realize you haven’t cried about your Ex for some time. Eventually, you will be so over your break-up that you’ll be ready to date, even marry again. Honestly! Think of how radiant Nicole Kidman looked on her wedding day to Keith Urban, and how Prince Charles and Camilla finally overcome all obstacles to make their union legal. There’s a happy ending out there for you too – and maybe Paul and Heather as well.
Bronwyn Marquardt is the once-divorced, now happily married Brisbane author of Happily Ever Parted: Surviving Separation and Divorce (New Holland, RRP$19.95, www.dizzydaisy.com)
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