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Handling divorced parents on your wedding day
If your parents are divorced,
there are areas which need very careful handling when you come to plan
your wedding.
As a "child of
divorce" you will already be all too aware of the delicate balancing
act you have learnt to adopt over time. Although it is often said parents
divorce each other and not their children, you will know it is not as
simple as that. You will have developed your own strategy for dealing with
a mother and father who do not live together, and established your own
pattern for coping with the tricky problem of divided loyalties.
If the breakup of your parents
has meant the loss for you of either a mother or a father, then there may
well be grief that once again both your parents will not be there to
witness an important day in your life. On the other hand it may be that
this is a new problem for you, since some couples now seem to get divorced
at a more advanced age: your parents may have decided to "stay
together for the children", and remained a couple until they felt
their parenting was done. It is not generally realized that a boy or girl
starting college or even his or her own family and quite independent,
still needs to believe they have parents who are together.
This is most important at the
time when you are planning your wedding. The traditional scene of father
shuddering over the bills, and the mother in a flap over arrangements can
be overshadowed if the bride or groom are grieving over a broken family.
Great distress can be caused by the extra problems this involves, like
having to decide whether to choose between having mom or dad at the
wedding.
These are just the sort of
things that do happen. It is surely unfair for a bride to be told, as Val
was, by her mother, "Your father decided to leave me and go to
another woman. If they are invited, count me out." The presence of a
partner of one parent often poses dreadful difficulties for the bridal
couple.
The golden rule for the smooth
running on "the day" is that everything is discussed in good
time before the event. At all costs embarrassment must be avoided by
grasping the nettle well in advance, and if your father wants to bring
along his new wife and this is against the expressed wishes of your
mother, then a decision must be made, and notice given, early on in the
planning stage. So what are you to do if one parent will not attend if a
former spouse wants to bring a partner? What if you have to decide who
will "give away" the bride - a father not really involved over
the years, or a loved stepfather? Where will everybody be placed in the
photographs or in the table plan?
The first step is to ask the
advice of the parent you do feel closest to, and talk about your dilemma.
You may be surprised to find that a parent will give way a lot to let his
or her child have the day of their dreams - a wonderful wedding. I know of
couples who have been at daggers drawn for years, but who will come
together to give a child a very special gift, by being parents together if
only for a day. If this is to happen, then it is up to you to ensure that
any partner is also taken care of that day, and not left out in the cold.
Perhaps the help of a cousin or close friend can be enlisted.
If a mother or father begins
to lay down the law about who plays a major part and who does not, it may
be time to call the tune, and to say that although you can understand
their position, it is your wedding day and you want it planned in such a
way. If a parent finds it impossible to bend at all, then sadly it must be
their loss. Your wedding day is not a day for old grievances and wounds to
be reopened. So be up front with all the people who will be affected and
tell them what you have planned in the greatest detail.
The day may be hard for
divorced parents. Perhaps they will remember the hopes and joy on their
own wedding day, and the sadness of the dream shattered. But, I repeat,
this is your wedding day and a time for looking forward. I hope the sun
shines for you both. Written by Jill Curtis 2001 Visit Jill's website
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