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Un – happy Valentines Day
While happy couples around Australia will display their love with flowers, chocolates and public displays of affection today, one thing is for sure … not everyone will be enjoying it.
In fact, Valentine’s Day is often a renewed course of grief for those who are single – particularly those who are alone after the end of a serious relationship.
“If you’re single, it’s completely normal to feel depressed on a day which celebrates love and romance, particularly if you’ve just come through a separation and divorce,” says Bronwyn Marquardt, the Brisbane-based author of Happily Ever Parted: Surviving Separation and Divorce (New Holland publishers, RRP $19.95).
“The absence of that once special person on Valentines Day can make it difficult to find joy, and intensify your feelings of grief and loss. It’s especially tough the first time you’re on your own, when you find yourself thinking of the special celebrations you shared in days gone by.
“No one wants to be the only girl in the office not to get a huge bunch of roses, or the only man going home alone to takeaway and a DVD instead of a big night out. But you don’t want to end up bitter and twisted about love and romance either."
Some people may find themselves reminiscing about times gone by when they were the ones being spoiled by someone special, and watching others celebrate just emphasises what they've lost. It’s particularly difficult for those whose Ex’s have moved on with someone else – to think of them having a romantic night out with someone else can be quite devastatating.
"The important thing to remember is that although you don’t have a choice about being on your own, you can choose to be as positive as possible about the day," says Bronwyn. "I think it’s really helpful if you’re on your own to turn Valentine’s Day into a day which is about loving yourself - be kind to yourself, and do something special that's just for you."
Luckily, Bronwyn has some simple ways for unhappy singles to survive Valentine’s Day…
- Just because you’re single, doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the wine, candles, and gourmet food which make Valentine’s Day so special. Ask a friend over to dinner, enjoy drinks with colleagues, share a bottle of wine with the neighbours, or go out for a meal with other singles.
- Buy yourself a special gift that symbolises your new life and who you want to be. One woman bought herself a diamond ring that symbolised that from now on she would put herself first; a man splashed out on the motorbike he'd always wanted.
- Make someone else happy. Visit an elderly relative, phone your parents, or babysit for a married couple or single parent lucky enough to land a hot date. Okay, so it’s not exactly the most romantic way to spend the night, but you will feel better and you’ll increase your stocks in karma.
- Treat Valentine’s Day as a new start. Plan a holiday, start a fitness kick, take up a hobby or plan a holiday, so you will have something positive to look forward to.
- Reassure yourself it’s normal to feel miserable, or at least a twinge of sadness. It doesn’t mean you’re still in love with your Ex, or that you’re sinking back into a depression. It will pass.
- Treat yourself. There’s nothing wrong with buying yourself a bunch of flowers, bottle of wine, or those handmade chocolates you love. Or indulge in a massage or new outfit.
- Can’t beat it? Wallow in it. Give yourself up to mourning. Take time sorting out photos or other memories of your relationship, writing in your journal, or rearranging your bedroom. Cry, scream, drink, sleep and watch tacky movies for 24 hours.
- The next day, get up and get over it … you can still feel sad, but once your Pity Day is over, you need to get on with everything else that life entails.
- Arrange to have a night away, cruise, or short holiday so you’re not home alone feeling miserable.
- If you’re really depressed, arrange to see a counsellor so you can talk through your feelings and come to terms with them.
- Your GP can help point you in the right direction.
- Don’t text, don’t call, and don’t get back with your Ex just because you’re lonely.
- Talk to friends – let them know you’re lonely or miserable, and unload a little. Sometimes it won’t occur to people that you’re going through all this, particularly if it’s a while since you’ve split.
- Look on the bright side: it’s better to be alone on Valentine’s Day than to be in a miserable relationship with the wrong person.
For more information on Happily Ever Parted, and surviving separation and divorce, go to www.dizzydaisy.com
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